Recently, Mr CK and I had a conversation about collars. In particular, we discussed whether it was okay for either of us to use a collar in kink-play with someone else. This is and will always be one of my absolute bottom-line limits – seriously, you could etch that on a diamond.
After some unproductive discussions, we realized that we were not talking to each other for one simple reason:
We understood each other’s meanings completely differently!
A collar to him means nothing. It is a piece of equipment that he considers meaningless. He uses it to move people around or to immobilise them by tying their hands to it.
A collar to me means everything. Good Reasons. Wearing a collar for someone still represents a deep display of love and trust. My primary partner would not be happy if my primary partner was to collar someone else. It would be like putting an engagement band on someone else.
This realization was a wake-up call for us, but we are still unable to reconcile our vastly differing views.
It got me thinking about the many meanings collars could have. Simple leather or stainless steel can take on many meanings. These are just a few examples I came up with, but there are probably many more.
A lifetime commitment
This is the closest thing to the “a collar can be used as an alternative to a marriage ring” school, which many kinksters subscribe to. A collaring, whether it is with a formal ceremony or not, can be as important as a marriage for those who feel this way. This is how I felt when I was collared to my boyfriend.
Permanent ownership
While not everyone views a collar as a symbol or property, many do. This type of relationship, which can also be romantic or not, may include a collar that serves as a symbol. It marks the submissive as the Dominant’s property. These collars are often locked and cannot be removed without the key. If you do this, please make sure to give your submissive an extra key in case of an emergency. Some people go so far as to have a body modification such as a tattoo or puncturing in place of or alongside a traditional collar.
Be aware that ownership of any kind does not necessarily mean monogamy. A D/s dynamic can include polyamory.
Temporary ownership
This is probably the closest I can think about collars these days. Although I don’t want to be owned forever, I find great comfort in giving “ownership” over myself to my partner for a short time. This could be a scene, an afternoon, a day, or even a weekend. The collar is a symbol for entering and returning from that headspace in this non-24/7 D/s dynamic. If it continues, I become his property. It will end, and I will be me again.
Closeness and connection
This one was a common refrain from long-distance partners when I asked the question on Twitter. A collar can signify closeness, connection and even “with” your partner.
Training or consideration
A certain school of thought about collaring suggests that submissives should wear a “training collar” (or “collar of consideration”) for a time before they are officially taken on as submissives. The permanent collar would then be given to them. A collar of consideration is often referred to as the “D/s equivalent” of an engagement ring and the permanent collar is a wedding ring by many people who see collars this way.
How to enter a headspace
Mr CK and I go to events together, where I will be the submissive part. Often, he’ll put my collar on me when he arrives. I find that kneeling in front of him, or standing with my head bent and moving my hair out of his way, is an excellent subspace trigger. This seems to be quite common. The collar also allows you to “put on” a role or headspace. A Twitter user who is a passionate pet play enthusiast said that their collar was a way to quickly access their “pups” headspace.
I want you to leave me alone!
My partner was rarely there with me when I was in a 24/7 D/s marriage. So, I attended events with my friends and without a partner. Of course, I was often the only one not visible as a partner in our group. My collar was a simple way to say “not available!” It was less annoying to wear it (and yes, that was an experiment). It also led to comments suggesting that even if he was not physically present, I was still available to any Dom who wanted to take a liking to me.
It’s not a tool like other tools!
This is the version that Mr CK most closely identifies with. This schema states that a collar is meant to do more than it does. He has had me wear an analhook to an event, and then attached it with rope to the back of my collar. To immobilize me, he also clipped my handcuffs to my collar’s ring. A collar can be used in many ways.
It’s not for decoration.
The collars look pretty! Although I love my collar, it doesn’t mean anything to me. It was given to review. It’s a simple accessory that I wear out and about. I’m going to continue…
Flagging is kinky in the public
The “hanky code” was the origin of “flagging”. It was a term that refers to the 1970s US gay scene. In this scene, coloured handkerchiefs were placed in specific positions to indicate interest in different sexual practices. It is a way to use outward symbols to indicate your proclivities and preferences to others. It’s possible to assume that many participants at any given event will also be kinky. But not all. Think gay and bisexual community events and goth clubs. Also, geek/sci-fi events and Renaissance Fairs. My collar signifies that I am a kinkster to other kinksters and invites them to make friends.
Do you wear a collar, or does your partner? What does this mean to you? Tweet me or comment below – I find this topic fascinating for its variety.