This question will undoubtedly pop up if you spend five minutes on Fetlife, r/BDSM, or any other online kink forum. “How do you find a Dom?” How do you find a Sub? “Where can kinky people meet?” “So I thought it was time to share some ideas with you on how to find a Dom and sub to go on kinky adventures together.
Are you looking for a fun, sexy soulmate? Maybe you tried all the “FIND KINKY GIRLS TONIGHT!” websites but had no luck. We’re well past the days when you could post a coded advertisement in the back of a newspaper.
These five unique ways can help you meet people who are just as curious and interesting no matter where you are.
1. Fetlife
Fetlife is affectionately known as the Facebook for kink. It is a social networking site that caters to kinky people. It is also a great place for kinky socializing online. I know of many people who have found partners there.
You don’t have to spam your ad or send cold messages. Make sure to take the time to build a profile, join in group discussions, and make constructive contributions to the platform.
Read their profile before you send a message. Are they clear in stating that they are not interested? You can move on. Keep in mind that kinky people are people first. So approach them with respect. Don’t assume a relationship that doesn’t exist, and don’t make sexual advances until you have consented. It is good to mention a shared interest. It is not a good idea to ask someone to spank or be your Mistress right away.
2. Munches
A munch social event is for kinky people. It’s usually held in a vanilla place such as a pub, restaurant or coffee shop. You can find munches in many cities, as well as smaller towns.
Many munch organizers used the internet to organize their events during the Covid times. Some of these munches still run. These are great for those who live in rural areas or lack access to transportation. However, I recommend that you get out in the real world as much as possible.
Do not go to a snack with the intent of meeting someone new. Instead, make friends and chat with everyone. It’s great if you find someone you like. If you don’t, you will have developed a network and made friends in the community. You never know who might introduce you to the Submissive or Dominant of your dreams (or the next person with whom you’ll have lots of fun tying up).
3. Mainstream dating sites
Yes, Tinder is used by kinky people as OKCupid.
Consider putting something about your kink preferences in your profile if you are using regular dating sites. But don’t be too sexy about it. It doesn’t matter if you say “Dominant looking for subs or switches to connect” or “I want the D to my S”!
Always read the profile of anyone before you message them. Be polite and respectful. You might be amazed at how many kinksters you can find on these sites for the same reasons as you.
4. r/BDSMpersonals
Reddit can be a lot of things. It can be a cesspit, or a goldmine full of useful information and interesting people. Although I have heard mixed reviews about the r/BDSMpersonals Subreddit, people claim to have met short-term and long-term friends there.
You can make a post with your location, gender and age. Recent research shows that posts written by women get more engagement than those written by men. However, it is worth giving it a try regardless of your gender.
As with any online meeting, you should be careful and use your judgement. Once you have met up in person, gotten to know one another and are comfortable with each other, don’t give out any personally identifiable information. Also, meet up in public places that are well-lit for at least the first few times.
5. Popular subcultures or hobbies that are enjoyed by kinksters
Are you familiar with the stereotypes of geeks and kinksters? Or kinksters who are LARPers and kinksters who are Renaissance Faire lovers? These stereotypes are all true. (See also polyam people, goths, and so forth). You should not assume that everyone you meet in these places will be kinky. The crossover is huge.
Although I don’t advocate getting into any subculture or hobby just to meet potential partners, they may have the side-effect that they allow you to meet other kinky people in an informal or vanilla-ish setting.
A disclaimer and word of caution
These are just suggestions. I cannot guarantee that any of these will work for your situation. Meeting people can sometimes be difficult due to a variety of circumstances. Keep your eyes open for potential friends and consider everyone in your community a potential friend.
Be aware of the frenzy. You might be in sub-frenzy or Dom-frenzy if you feel you need to just play with anybody. This is a time to take a step back and evaluate your situation before you dive into anything.
Happy kinky dating!